Out of the Blue

Tomorrow is the big day, the day I've been waiting for since I was diagnosed with RA. Tomorrow is Enbrel day. I saw my doctor on April 9th and she prescribed Enbrel for me then because Methotrexate wasn't working very well. Unfortunately, I had a massive rash on the left side of my body from neck to the tips of my fingers, so I had to wait until that cleared before starting the new medication. That meant stopping Methotrexate and not replacing it with anything else for two weeks. I know that Methotrexate wasn't helping enough, but I had no idea how much it was helping until I stopped taking it. The last few days have been hard. By Sunday of this week I was walking with a cane again, and today was consistently painful from start to finish. The only medication I take for pain is Tramadol, and I take one of those daily, as needed. Today, I felt like I needed one every couple of hours. But the end of the day is here, and it is almost bedtime, and tomorrow is the big day! I am...

I had my rheumatologist visit today. For those of you who follow my progress with RA, here's my latest news. I am off Methotrexate! WOOHOO! I can't say I'm sorry to see it go. I felt better for the first month or two of MTX, but the benefits faded over time. So it's out with the old and in with the new. In this case, the new is Enbrel. I am registering for Enbrel support this afternoon. I may qualify to receive my first six months for free, and afterward with only a $10 copay per month. That is perfectly reasonable. I am glad, because though I hope it doesn't happen, there is the possibility that my work could change in the near future and my health insurance might change right along with it. But more than the financial aspect, I am glad to be able to move away from the medications that aren't working and into something that just might really change my health for the better. The past month has been hard, but the past two weeks have gone beyond hard to insane...

A year ago tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. Or I thought it was. It was the night when my boyfriend broke up with me after a year and a half of serious relationship. He had hinted at marriage several times, and it was understood between us that it was what we were both looking for. Then I got sick, and everything changed.. At first, he just seemed distant. Then it was more than distance - I knew he didn't want to be there when we were together. He was more than a million miles away. He wasn't even on the same planet. I asked him several times what was wrong, and if he was happy in the relationship. He would only speak briefly about anxiety and depression, but refused treatment. Pride would not allow him to seek help. It was something, he said, he had to deal with on his own. So he broke up with me and I really thought it would kill me. I nearly let it kill me, truth be told. After all, the rest of my life had fallen apart. What was there to live for? I had lost...

The latest lab results are in, and the news is good. Or bad. It depends on how you look at it. There is one level in particular my doctor has been watching, hoping to see downward movement with this latest increase of Methotrexate. I'm at the highest dose possible, but the C-Reactive Protein  inflammatory marker in my blood still managed a two point increase in the last month from 19 to 21.4. Normal levels are 4 or below. Neutrophils, leukocytes, and the white blood count are still elevated. That means the Methotrexate is not working. This is bad, but it is also good. Methotrexate is the kind of medication that can do more harm than good to those who use it regularly. It was also the last of the DMARDs my doctor wanted to try before moving into the newer classes of biologic medications. Those are extremely expensive, but they also work much better to treat RA, and with fewer side effects. Health insurance will pay for these meds, but only after every other avenue of treatment h...

It is 3:21 am and I can't sleep. Well, that's nothing new. For the past week, I've been waking up at around 1:30 am and it doesn't seem to matter how much melatonin I take - sleep just isn't working right now. Fortunately, it's Saturday morning, so I don't have anywhere specific to be in a few hours. I can be as relaxed as I need to. It has been a long time since I've written here. Not because I've magically gotten well - I haven't. I received test results today that show the disease is continuing to progress, despite the increases in medication over the past few months. My right knee doesn't really look like a knee anymore - I'll spare you the description. The knuckles on my left hand seem to expand daily. There is always back pain and joint pain. But I have been feeling great anyway, and I can tell you why: Because I choose to. Things are hard. I work full time. I am in school full time. I just added another eight hour/week job wi...

I think that my favorite line from just about any story or book is "...secret, and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster." Charles Dickens used these words to describe Ebenezer Scrooge, the quintessential miser and misanthrope. But you don't have to be miserly or misanthropic to be an introvert who enjoys quiet contemplation. Today is Christmas. Normally, I would have spent yesterday with my extended family, but this year the flu changed my plans. Instead of exposing my mother and the rest of the family to the virus, I decided to stay home. My daughters and I enjoyed the day as though it were Christmas; we opened gifts, had a long and satisfying brunch, and watched Christmas movies - including A Christmas Carol. Then, around 4 pm, they left for their dad's. I spent a bit of time cleaning up the house, talking to my sisters and mom on the phone, and then just sat. It was windy. The neighborhood was quiet except for my wind-chimes, which sang happily in the darkne...

I consider myself lucky because I don't have enemies these days. In the past I have, unfortunately, known people who wished me ill. Some of these people actually caused physical, emotional, and psychological damage. But that time in my life is over, thank God. These days, my greatest enemy is... Stress. I bet you thought I was going to say myself, right? Well, at one time in my life that would have been true. I have been at war with myself off and on for most of my 40+ years. But not anymore. If there is one thing that years of therapy has done for me, it is to remove my ennui toward who I am. No, I am comfortable with myself. I know who I am, what I love, what I need, and what I want. I have a realistic sense of my own self-worth and a willingness to work hard for the good things I deserve, whether those are relationships, better health, or just quiet down-time. A lot of my stress comes from my job. Most of it, if I'm being truthful. When things are good there, I love it...