Out of the Blue

I like having choices, but I don't like having to choose. I know how little sense that makes. It seems like a paradox, doesn't it? But it's true - having options is great, but when I'm comfortable with things as they are, I don't really like being faced with choices. Sometimes, the choice might lead me to a better situation, a better job, better education, or even better health. But, there's always that fear that I'll be jumping out of the safety of the boat, thinking I can walk on water like Jesus, and then sink like a stone. I was presented with a couple of opportunities just last week that put me in this kind of situation. A friend called to tell me about a job opening that she thought I'd be interested in. I wasn't sure that I was interested, frankly - I really enjoy my current jobs - but I thought it would be interesting to actually hear a bit more about the position, so I called and left a message. After a little back-and-forth, I had an in...

On Wednesday, July 31st, I saw my new rheumatologist. The visit went very well. Though the wait to see her was longer, the doctor spent almost an hour with me, took my medical history herself, and asked a lot of questions. She was concerned with the amount of time that had passed since my first blood tests and did not understand my other rheumatologist's reluctance to treat my pain seriously. She declined to prescribe a narcotic, which was fine with me - I have no desire to live in a drug-induced haze. It's bad enough to deal with fatigue-induced brain-fog. The exhaustion makes it very hard to concentrate. She prescribed neurontin, to be taken nightly, and tramadol, to be taken as needed. So far, I've only needed it once. The neurontin has helped my back a lot, and it has the nice side effect of reducing anxiety. Unfortunately, it also has the not so nice side effect of causing nausea and vomiting. However, the vomiting only lasted a couple of days and the nausea seems to...

On the sixth of May, my Rhematologist prescribed low-dose Prednisone to help with my progressing RA. I'd been taking Plaquenil since the end of January and hadn't seen much change in my condition. So he suggested stopping the NSAID Relafen and starting with a daily steroid. I did not want to take steroids for several reasons. Weight gain was my primary concern, but it turned out to be groundless; I actually lost weight while taking it. The common side effects for Prednisone are insomnia, infection - I'm already at higher risk for that because of the Plaquenil - excess stomach acid production, excess appetite, and nervousness. However, I also wanted to feel better physically - the pain was difficult to manage, and the fatigue was almost impossible, so I said yes to Prednisone. Initially, I did feel better. I was more physically able to keep up with my days. I had less stiffness, and the tendonitis in my right elbow went away entirely. Overall, I felt closer to normal phy...

Yesterday, I stood on top of a hill sprinkled with tiny yellow buttercups that danced and nodded in the breeze. The sky was bright blue with white ripples of cloud. Down the hill, families had gathered at the playground and the air echoed with children's laughter. On the path that wound around the hill's crest, an occasional jogger or dog walker passed. I watched and waited. Since I moved far away from home, I've developed a habit of searching faces for ones that are familiar. At first, I was "seeing" people I knew everywhere. In the past year or so, that's pretty much stopped. I've settled in, I guess. I've stopped looking for friends and family in the strangers around me. But not yesterday. Yesterday, I was hoping against hope to see a familiar face. So much so that I almost convinced myself that I had. But my heart knew I was wrong, even when my eyes were convinced otherwise. So I stood, and I waited, and let the wind blow over me. It was a beaut...