Out of the Blue

It is 3:21 am and I can't sleep. Well, that's nothing new. For the past week, I've been waking up at around 1:30 am and it doesn't seem to matter how much melatonin I take - sleep just isn't working right now. Fortunately, it's Saturday morning, so I don't have anywhere specific to be in a few hours. I can be as relaxed as I need to. It has been a long time since I've written here. Not because I've magically gotten well - I haven't. I received test results today that show the disease is continuing to progress, despite the increases in medication over the past few months. My right knee doesn't really look like a knee anymore - I'll spare you the description. The knuckles on my left hand seem to expand daily. There is always back pain and joint pain. But I have been feeling great anyway, and I can tell you why: Because I choose to. Things are hard. I work full time. I am in school full time. I just added another eight hour/week job wi...

I consider myself lucky because I don't have enemies these days. In the past I have, unfortunately, known people who wished me ill. Some of these people actually caused physical, emotional, and psychological damage. But that time in my life is over, thank God. These days, my greatest enemy is... Stress. I bet you thought I was going to say myself, right? Well, at one time in my life that would have been true. I have been at war with myself off and on for most of my 40+ years. But not anymore. If there is one thing that years of therapy has done for me, it is to remove my ennui toward who I am. No, I am comfortable with myself. I know who I am, what I love, what I need, and what I want. I have a realistic sense of my own self-worth and a willingness to work hard for the good things I deserve, whether those are relationships, better health, or just quiet down-time. A lot of my stress comes from my job. Most of it, if I'm being truthful. When things are good there, I love it...

On the sixth of May, my Rhematologist prescribed low-dose Prednisone to help with my progressing RA. I'd been taking Plaquenil since the end of January and hadn't seen much change in my condition. So he suggested stopping the NSAID Relafen and starting with a daily steroid. I did not want to take steroids for several reasons. Weight gain was my primary concern, but it turned out to be groundless; I actually lost weight while taking it. The common side effects for Prednisone are insomnia, infection - I'm already at higher risk for that because of the Plaquenil - excess stomach acid production, excess appetite, and nervousness. However, I also wanted to feel better physically - the pain was difficult to manage, and the fatigue was almost impossible, so I said yes to Prednisone. Initially, I did feel better. I was more physically able to keep up with my days. I had less stiffness, and the tendonitis in my right elbow went away entirely. Overall, I felt closer to normal phy...

I seem to spend a lot of time this way - sleepless, and alone. It is Friday night and I am very tired. It has been a long week. Earlier this month, my rheumatologist prescribed prednisone in a low dose, and I have been feeling better, but the last few days have been physically difficult. I've been very busy at work - and thankfully, very able to tolerate that level of activity. But not pausing to rest took its toll. By Wednesday night, I was unable to keep food down. I think it was a combination of medication and over-work, with a nice dose of stress thrown in. I was sick for most of that night, woke up sick the next day, and ended up working from home just in case it was contagious. By that afternoon, I felt better. I went to work this morning and managed to put in a full day in the office. That's a good thing, and it's probably due to the steroid. The problem is that steroids aren't a long-term treatment. The rheumatologist said I could continue this course of treat...

I went to bed at nine o'clock on Sunday night. It is now Monday morning - 3:55 am right at this moment - and I have been awake since six minutes past midnight. The alarm will ring at 6:05. I keep telling myself that if I can just get to sleep now, I can still get two hours. I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. But I have been lying here in bed for four hours with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, to no avail. My body is begging for sleep but my mind just won't turn off. And it's a vicious circle, the way it feeds itself; the more tired I am, the more pain I have. The more I hurt, the more my mind races. I have taken 15 mg of melatonin over the course of the past three hours, but it hasn't helped. It usually only takes 5 mg to buy a night's sleep. So I'm awake. At three o'clock, I gave up and started reading. The words blurred together and I couldn't focus. Finally I turned on Netflix. Now reruns of The Walking Dead are on in the backgrou...