Out of the Blue

 In 2013, after the loss of my beloved father, I started having multiple health issues. It began with several UTIs, or maybe one long-lasting UTI that seemed to clear up but kept returning. Then, I had two kidney stones. From June through September, I felt terrible most of the time. I was exhausted, struggling to push away my grief, and focused on a job that brought me no joy. I was in a relationship that I depended on with a man I loved and trusted completely; I’d have cheerfully laid down my life for him. This was no small thing since I do not trust easily. I recall waking up one Sunday morning beside him, stretching, and crying out in pain. My entire body hurt. There wasn’t a muscle or a joint that wasn’t affected, from my neck to my toes. I felt as though I was catching the flu, complete with the full body aches, fever, and exhaustion it brings. Cold fear welled up in my mind; the recollection of that moment is as sharp and clear as though it just happened yesterday. I knew w...

I have not looked at, or even thought about, this blog for quite sometime. On March 13th, 2020, I was preparing to go home from work for what we all assumed would be a two week break while we worked out how we could keep a college campus open and still manage to stay healthy in the face of Covid-19. We were closed to the public that afternoon as we scrambled to clear out our offices so they could be deep cleaned and sanitized. My assistant and I went through the building, wiping down doors and surfaces. We talked about what we would do to stay safe when we returned. We shared our worries - I am younger than she is, but her health is better than mine. Still, we both fall into a high-risk category for severe or deadly infection from the novel coronavirus. We filled out forms to enable us to work from home for the next two weeks, and I put together a list of tasks for us to complete during our time out of the office.  Two weeks turned into five months - 2020 became the year that wasn'...

I threw my back out last Saturday. I've always thought that saying "I threw my back out" is funny - it doesn't really mean anything, but everyone knows exactly what has happened when I say it. I'm in terrible pain at the L5/S1 vertebral area. I can't bend, find it difficult to lift my legs to walk, and turning over in bed is agonizing to the point of impossibility. Let me be crude but honest as I include that bathroom processes are now greatly complicated for a number of reasons, from getting there to cleaning up, to getting up and getting my pants back in place. We never realize how much effort goes in to simple activities of daily living until we aren't up to performing them. I have missed the last two days of work. I have tripled my steroid intake. I am alternating heat and cold therapy and have included my TENS unit and seen a chiropractor. The pain is still pretty bad. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I'm not sure how I'll get through...

In August of this year, my doctor finally convinced my insurance company that the traditional TNF blockers like Simponi, Enbrel, and Humira weren't working for me. She prescribed Orencia. It is a once-a-month infusion, and finally - FINALLY - something is working! Is it a perfect cure? No. But I have been able to wean off steroids - I took my last 2.5 mg dose last week. It is taking my body some time to get adjusted to not having that Prednisone boost, but this morning, I woke up with a bit more energy and a bit less stiffness. However, I have been through a year-long odyssey of unabated pain, swelling, and joint deterioration. I started writing about it in July of this year, but it was too depressing to continue, so I let it go. During that year of extreme fatigue and pain, I almost believed that I would never get better; that the dark hollow I found myself inhabiting was the extent of my life. Thankfully, it was not - but I know that there are more valleys and hollows ahead. That...

I'd like to have a nickel for every time I say the words "I'm tired" during the day. If I did, I could probably afford to go on a nice vacation every year. I'm tired is the phrase I say most often, and usually when I say it, I am speaking in relation to my physical state. But sometimes, like today, I mean it in relation to what is going on in the world around me. I'm tired  of living as a blue woman in a red state, of pretending to fit in to the general political climate around me. I'm tired of holding on to a pleasant expression when someone comes up to me and tells me, straight-faced, that Sandy Hook and Parkland aren't real and that the mass-shooting in Las Vegas didn't really happen. I'm tired of being taken to task by relatives who disagree with my politics, my faith, and the way I live. I'm tired of people saying that they agree with Trump about immigrants from what he calls "shithole" countries, and then the...

I've lost some things recently - my best friend, back in January; a beloved honorary niece, in February; the little dog who saved my life three years ago, in July. My friend died of complications from a brain tumor. My niece was tragically killed in a terrible accident that took three of her friends as well. My little dog, Oskar, died of cancer the week after my birthday. Maybe it doesn't seem as though Oskar should be listed with these other, huge losses, but the people who know me understand that being listed with my dog means I really, really love the people I mentioned. It has been a strange and terrible year. The recent rise in racial tensions, the troubling changes in our government, and the lack of leadership at the highest levels have combined to create a great deal of stress for most of us. The emotional pain of loss complicates that stress. That is why I have not written much in the past months; it takes most of my energy just to get through my days, work, and home....

It is no surprise to my faithful readers here that I have a chronic health condition. I was often sick as a child, but as an adult I had pretty good health, until 2013, when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease. I know, I'm walking old ground with this, but bear with me. It is important for people to know that autoimmune diseases like RD, Lupus, and MS are very expensive to treat. My own experience is with Rheumatoid Disease. I have been in treatment with biologics since 2015. Biologics are a new class of medication that work by blocking something called Tumor Necrosis Factor (TNF) in the body. No, I can't be more specific than that, because I really don't understand myself. The best I can do is to say that the biologic meds I have taken have dampened my immune system so that it no longer attacks healthy tissue - well, at least for the most part. I've been treated with Enbrel, which worked for a short while, and now I am using Humira, which seems to be helping. Unf...

The past six months have been brutal. In addition to rheumatoid disease, my doctor suspects I have fibromyalgia, and that would explain the all-over body pain I've been fighting. It is bad enough to have your joints inflamed, swollen, and aching. Add in the feeling of coming down with the flu - throbbing muscles, pounding headache, incipient nausea - and you have a description of the past half-year for me. My right knee has been swollen and very weak. After a couple of weeks of pain that I could manage, about two months ago, my right leg was in agony from hip to ankle. Driving was the worst - just the twenty minute drive to work was torture. I developed two large knots behind the knee, which was, itself, about the size of a grapefruit. I had an emergency appointment with my rheumatologist, who put a steroid shot into the knee, under the kneecap. In a joint so full of fluid, the addition of more liquid was almost unbearable. After another week or so, my knee began to respond to th...

What's past is prologue. ~ William Shakespeare "When lo, as they reached the mountain-side, a wondrous portal opened wide, as if a cavern suddenly hollowed; the Piper advanced and the children followed..." ~ Robert Browning Like most people, I use social media to express who I am, share what interests me, and stay in touch with people who matter to me. Lately, I have been scolded, manipulated, and mocked for my stance on politics, immediately followed by people insisting that I need to get with the program and support the incoming administration, because that is my duty as an American. Yesterday, a friend posted a request that people unite behind our leadership, regardless of how we voted, because we need to "come together" as a country and heal the divisions that have plagued us. I understand the request and what motivated it. Like most of us, she wants people to get along. She is tired of the fighting and is dismayed by what she sees around her. I get it,...

The tree is up. Stockings are hung. Most of the gifts are purchased and wrapping will begin in a day or two. My kids are safe and will be with me for Christmas. I have the next two weeks off. We will have (too much) food and we will have a lot of fun, I have no doubt. I am blessed, and I know it. I'm thankful. But I am also deeply sad. Sometimes I find it difficult not to just break down and cry. I put on a carefully cheerful mask every day and I prop it up with smiles and laughter. Sometimes I even feel those happy feelings. Then darkness comes and I'm tired; I go to my room and settle in with my dogs, and the tears come. I guess it would be wrong to start a post like this and not explain why I feel the way I do, but the truth is, I don't really understand it myself. Maybe that's why I'm writing this, to work it out and try to comprehend it. Terrible things have happened in the world - Syria, Aleppo, and South Sudan are a few examples. I think of the people...

"The Lord spoke to me again, saying: In Ramah there is bitter weeping - Rachel is weeping for her children and cannot be comforted, for they are no more." Jeremiah 31:15 Alton Sterling was thirty seven years old when he was shot and killed by police in Baton Rouge, after he was tasered and pinned to the ground by two officers on July 6th, 2016. Philando Castile was thirty two. He was shot and bled to death in his car in St Paul. He and his girlfriend were pulled over for a broken tail-light. Both Sterling and Castile were legally armed. In Sterling's case, Louisiana is an open carry state. Castile had a concealed-carry permit. The two men had one more thing in common. They were both black.  Video of Alton Sterling's shooting exists. I watched it, and afterward, wished I had not. People must bear witness to these crimes, I know, but I will not soon forget hearing him ask in confusion, "What'd I do wrong?" as he is tasered and shoved over the hood...

It is February 13th. The stores are filled with roses, bouquets, beautiful boxes of candy and chocolates of every description; bakery windows are stuffed with heart-shaped cakes, cookies, and pink-frosted confections. Red streamers, glittering pink and red banners, teddy-bears, plushy bunnies and puppies, and even jewelry are prominently displayed everywhere I look. Valentine's Day is at hand, and here I am, single. Valentine's Day as we celebrate it today is a holiday for lovers. Sweethearts buy each other flowers, candy, and other gifts. They make plans, have dinner, or go away for the weekend. Couples get engaged on Valentine's Day. There is a coalition of singles, an unspoken cadre of the unattached, who are supposed to be anti-Valentine's Day. They make plans to pig out on pizza and bash the idea of love and relationships. My married, or coupled, friends are careful not to talk about their Valentine's plans when I'm around. They don't talk about the g...

Sharing again my thoughts on Ash Wednesday, written years ago. Now, I need to find a church and receive the ashes, begin my wilderness journey, and come closer to Christ. Receiving the Mark On Ash Wednesday the Christian world begins its wilderness journey with Christ in commemoration of his forty days in the desert. At my church, the Sanctuary is quiet as we come forward in long, solemn lines to receive the ashes. Before me, I hear the ministers whisper about how we are all made of dust and must therefore return to dust – exhorting us to repent and believe what the Gospels have taught us. I pray the prayer of contrition, confess my sins before God. I stand with the rest, my forehead bare, waiting. Knowing that the season of Lent begins in that moment, when the minister’s finger draws the midnight-black cross on my skin, marking me as a follower of Jesus, as one who stands in solidarity with the Son of Man in his long suffering, his work for human-kind, and his v...

The only thing I regret about having taken a new job is that I had to miss my quarterly rheumatology appointment today. I have rescheduled it for a month from now; by then, I will have the sick time built up to cover it, and I hope that my health insurance will have kicked in as well. I may need to put it off for another month, though. It is possible that coverage won't begin until April 1. Knowing that I will have excellent coverage greatly helps my stress level, which keeps me feeling pretty good, but I hurt for people who don't have the same opportunities. I completed my taxes on Sunday afternoon, and because I spend a lot on medications and health-care, I decided to itemize those costs and see if I qualified for a deduction. I did - costs needed to be more than $3700 and they were. My out of pocket costs for health care and medication exceeded the $3700 limit. In checking that number, I saw how much my insurance policy had paid for my care. My Enbrel alone cost the compan...

Here's an update on the ending I'm experiencing due to the recent loss of my job with the church. On Friday, January 8th, I interviewed with a local community college for a position with one of their distance education campuses. The following Wednesday, I got a call back asking me to attend a second interview. I did, and was offered the job. What's more, I found that my level of experience and education put me at a salary level similar to the job that is ending. The benefits are much better, and there is the added bonus of not having to worry about whether my position will continue to be funded. For the past six years at the church, and for the almost-eight years before that at the mission, there was the almost daily worry of whether the money would hold out. I know that the job market is tough and has been for a long time now. I know that there are lots of folks out there who have been searching for months and cannot find employment that meets their financial needs. I kn...

In 2004, William Bridges wrote Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes. The subject of the book is exactly what it seems to be; Bridges explores the changes we experience in life and how we tend to handle them. During the course of the book, Bridges suggests that before there can be a beginning, there must be an ending. In other words, something old has to stop before something new can begin. Thus the title of this post, "The Beginning in the End." And also, if you're a fan of the TV show Bones - I am - then you recognize it as a nod to the 22nd episode of the fifth season. In that episode, nearly everyone who worked together at the Jeffersonian scatters for the four corners of the earth. It is the end (seemingly) of a very successful team and partnership. I started working at Cherokee Church in 2009. It was another beginning in an ending. My 18 year marriage was dissolving and I needed full-time work to support my kids. In order to come to Cherokee, I had to re...

How can it be December already? For what it's worth, it feels like just a couple of months ago, it was spring-time; I was watching leaves pop out on the trees and reveling in the warmer weather and the hyacinths and daffodils blooming in my yard. I blinked - and slept a few times - and now it is December. The trees are bare and the landscape is grey. Where in the world did the time go? I've noticed that the older I get, the faster time passes. I'm sure there's an equation straight from Einstein's brain that would explain this phenomenon, but for now, it's enough that I've noticed it. I am older, time passes faster. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still while the world whirls on around me. Is it any wonder I'm dizzy? Confused? Left feeling like I've missed important things? And yet each minute, each hour, seems to crawl by with the same snail's pace as always. Years ago, I sat with my dad in the hospital, waiting for my mother to come...

These are only dreams. Reality is very different. In reality, little boys can pick up their father's guns and kill the little girl down the street. In reality, a man can make an anonymous purchase over the internet of enough ammunition to kill a dozen of people in a crowded theater, or nine students innocently seeking an education. Reality is inescapable, except in dreams - which is likely why we need them so much. This is one of mine, cased in my reality, which just happens to suck today; I am in a lot of pain and don't have the energy or the guts to push through it and go on with work, school, life. Better to seek solace in dreams. I awoke in the night to the sound of the windchimes on the front porch. The curtains lifted, shifted; a breeze stole into my room. The night was black outside the window. The music of rain mingled with the chimes; fine-fingered droplets combed through the trees and if I held my breath, I could hear the the dying leaves sigh as they released their...

I like having choices, but I don't like having to choose. I know how little sense that makes. It seems like a paradox, doesn't it? But it's true - having options is great, but when I'm comfortable with things as they are, I don't really like being faced with choices. Sometimes, the choice might lead me to a better situation, a better job, better education, or even better health. But, there's always that fear that I'll be jumping out of the safety of the boat, thinking I can walk on water like Jesus, and then sink like a stone. I was presented with a couple of opportunities just last week that put me in this kind of situation. A friend called to tell me about a job opening that she thought I'd be interested in. I wasn't sure that I was interested, frankly - I really enjoy my current jobs - but I thought it would be interesting to actually hear a bit more about the position, so I called and left a message. After a little back-and-forth, I had an in...

It has been an up and down, crazy kind of week. Some really good things have happened; the Supreme Court upheld marriage equality, for one. I am heterosexual but I believe in equal rights and am deeply passionate about my certainty that God loves and values everyone. Marriage equality seems to me to be a part of that. No one should be excluded from the ability to marry if they so choose. In addition, The Court upheld the ACA subsidy in states that did not expand Medicare, which is also an issue of human rights from my point of view. I believe that everyone should have access to health care and again, I believe that this is part of extending God's love in our world. Bravo, SCOTUS. Some not-so-good things have also happened. I have had health difficulties and life has become more problematic because of them. The Enbrel has not yet had time to take effect. I've been off Methotrexate for six weeks now, and my disease is flaring every few days. Fatigue, pain, fatigue, pain...the r...