Everything changes

It has been about a month since I started following an anti-inflammatory diet. I am very pleased with the results. Through trial and error, I have discovered that processed, white flour based foods are my primary trigger for inflammation. Pasta, bread, and desserts are the main culprits, though I've found that I can have dark chocolate or a small amount of sugar as long as I don't eat gluten or flour-based products at the same time. I've started putting together a short list of recipes that I hope to lengthen. There are a lot of good gluten-free products out there, and I've been trying some of them out. However, I don't intend to simply replace processed carbohydrates with processed carbohydrates. I'd like to continue to reduce the amount of processed foods that I eat.

This weekend, I harvested tomatoes and squash from my raised bed garden. I also had flat-leaf Italian parsley and sweet basil. I diced the tomatoes and added the herbs, half a cup of diced zucchini, some garlic, a bit of sea salt, a tablespoon of olive oil and a teaspoon of sugar and cooked everything together for an hour. It made a fabulous pasta sauce. I served it over gluten-free spaghetti which was made from brown rice flour. It was delicious.

Today I had scrambled eggs for breakfast, and then for lunch I had shrimp diablo tacos on blue-corn tortillas, with rice, pico de gallo, and slow-cooked beans. I'll probably go light for dinner - maybe an omelet with some squash or zucchini from the garden, and a bit of Colby cheese. All these things are delicious and I enjoy them, but I miss bread. I miss just making a sandwich and not having to plan everything so ardently.

But life is like that, right? Whenever you think you have things figured out, something changes. You're going along, doing your job, and then you receive a pink-slip and you're on the unemployment line. Or you're feeling a little tired lately and you finally see your doctor, thinking she might prescribe some vitamins or ask you to change your diet, and boom - she tells you that the blood tests indicate leukemia. Relationships end, marriages end, friendships end. Everything changes. And you have to find a way to cope, you have to learn how to live with the way things are now, whether you like it or not.

I know I'm lucky not to be any sicker than I am. I know that I'm blessed to be able to work and to do many of the things I enjoy, even if I can't do them the way I used to. I know that loving someone is vulnerability and that there is no guarantee that my heart won't be broken thousands of time by the same person, no matter how good, kind, or loving that person is, deep down. I know these things, but the knowledge just doesn't matter.

Frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of the balancing act, walking imaginary lines, working so hard just to keep level. The last ten years have been so hard, and it looks like more of the same ahead. I am exhausted with trying to understand other people and why they do the things they do. I'm worn out by struggling to do everything on my own. Sure, I'm strong, but no one can be strong all the time - somehow, something's got to give. So I'm praying that everything changes. This time, please God, let it be for the better.


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