Spring cleaning

I am on vacation this week, and I guess it's perfect timing. I had a cortisone shot in my right knee on Friday of last week, and the prescription included rest, ice, compression, and elevation. At my last rheumatology appointment, I had an x-ray to diagnose the source of the pain and swelling. Back in May, I was walking and both heard and felt a pop on the inside of my knee. The x-ray couldn't pinpoint soft-tissue damage, of course, but did show considerable degeneration in the joint. So my doctor prescribed a cortisone injection and RICE. I've been doing that since Friday and have seen good improvement.

There is still some pain, but nothing like the constant throbbing I felt before. I can walk without my cane. The knee pops occasionally but it isn't bad. It helps that I don't have much of anywhere to be. I'd have preferred a more active vacation, with some hiking, biking, and maybe kayaking. I'm still planning on the kayaking, but the other two will have to wait until I am more able.

There is another purpose for the vacation time besides physical rest. I am using this time to take inventory of my life and make some decisions about the future. Where I want to be. What I want to be. How I want to get there. Some of these decisions will be easy. Others will not. There is no shortcut for doing soul-work; there is no easy formula that says this career is right and that is wrong, or this line of study is good and this is not. There is no road-map that tells us whether this person or that friendship belongs in our lives or should be left in the past. I've spent a lot of time trying to determine what's best for me, what is practical, what is logical.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should try to think about what I want and what I need rather than what is logical and practical. I've always had inordinate trouble listening to myself and knowing my own heart, and I think that is what has been lacking. I've injected myself with other peoples' ideas and thoughts, I've taken on other peoples' plans and hopes and have neglected my own. I've done this cyclically all my life. But I can learn to keep what is important and real to me, and discard the rest. I believe that when my soul is uncluttered my body will be healthier.

I think the time has come for me to perform a spring-cleaning of my heart.


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