Conflicted

It has been an up and down, crazy kind of week. Some really good things have happened; the Supreme Court upheld marriage equality, for one. I am heterosexual but I believe in equal rights and am deeply passionate about my certainty that God loves and values everyone. Marriage equality seems to me to be a part of that. No one should be excluded from the ability to marry if they so choose. In addition, The Court upheld the ACA subsidy in states that did not expand Medicare, which is also an issue of human rights from my point of view. I believe that everyone should have access to health care and again, I believe that this is part of extending God's love in our world. Bravo, SCOTUS.

Some not-so-good things have also happened. I have had health difficulties and life has become more problematic because of them. The Enbrel has not yet had time to take effect. I've been off Methotrexate for six weeks now, and my disease is flaring every few days. Fatigue, pain, fatigue, pain...the repetition is tiresome. On Sunday morning, I woke up at seven, went back to sleep without intending to, and didn't reawaken until after noon. I forced myself to get up, did some homework, and then fell asleep on the couch. Again, inadvertently. I woke up three hours later with severe pain in my shoulder and neck. By Monday morning I couldn't dress or drive. I had to call in to work, and I spent most of the day bed-bound. I slept another nine hours or so and was able to work on Tuesday.

But, honestly - I am still tired. Nothing seems to touch this exhaustion. The pain comes and goes but the fatigue lingers.

Sometimes I think that it doesn't matter how much I try to stay positive, to feel better, to regain health - I am sick and my body is failing and there is nothing I can do to reverse it. It feels like drowning. But the better part of me knows that all I have is how I choose to live in spite of the disease. I am in control of nothing except how I react, each and every day. I can choose gloom and depression and darkness, or I can choose to search for joy. I keep reminding myself of that - the choice is mine. It is all I have.

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