I seem to spend a lot of time this way - sleepless, and alone. It is Friday night and I am very tired. It has been a long week. Earlier this month, my rheumatologist prescribed prednisone in a low dose, and I have been feeling better, but the last few days have been physically difficult. I've been very busy at work - and thankfully, very able to tolerate that level of activity. But not pausing to rest took its toll. By Wednesday night, I was unable to keep food down. I think it was a combination of medication and over-work, with a nice dose of stress thrown in. I was sick for most of that night, woke up sick the next day, and ended up working from home just in case it was contagious. By that afternoon, I felt better.

I went to work this morning and managed to put in a full day in the office. That's a good thing, and it's probably due to the steroid. The problem is that steroids aren't a long-term treatment. The rheumatologist said I could continue this course of treatment for two months, and then we'd have to try something else. I don't know how long it will be before he - or she, since I'll be seeing a new doctor at the end of July - will be willing to look at using biologics for treatment. I don't know if that will be any better or help my condition. Folks who know me know how much I hate not knowing. It's the worst thing I can imagine. I like to think things through, plan, and have an idea of where I'm going, how, when, and why. Nothing disturbs me more than being uninformed and not knowing what to expect. Yeah, I know - that's life.

In the meantime, I spoke to my mother a few days ago and she asked me a question I didn't want to answer. Or even consider. "Don't you think it's time you applied for disability?"

Deep breath.

No, thanks anyway. Not ready for that. Right now, I don't even want to think about it. As long as I can work, I'll work. Sure - I'm usually tired and often in pain. There are days when driving or walking or functioning in any meaningful way seem beyond me. But there are good days, too, when I feel like getting out and doing my job, walking my dog, cooking, cleaning up the house, even going up and down the stairs to do laundry. Sometimes there's even enough energy left to go to the park or to take a short hike in the woods. It doesn't happen often, but it happens.

As for tonight, I'll take some pain medication - the first of the day, even though the ache has been growing all afternoon. And I'll lie down, meditate for a while, and then - sleep. I hope. Tomorrow is Saturday, and I have the entire day to spend as I like. Maybe it'll be a good day for RA; if it's warm and dry, maybe I'll feel energetic and limber, and take my dog for a hike. If not, then it may be a blanket and couch kind of day - that has its own appeal. I can write, read, and work on the afghan I've been crocheting for the past month. It's all good in it's own way. And if it isn't - well, I'll get through it. One way or another.


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