Finding my way

Since Wednesday, April 9th, I have not been able to keep solid food down or in my body. Right now, I feel about as empty and cold as I ever have. I spent Saturday in the ER, receiving fluids. The PA there was very caring and concerned, and it wasn't long before I was diagnosed with a severe kidney infection. I received Rocephin for the infection, morphine for pain, and another bag of fluids because I was so dehydrated. I came home on Saturday afternoon and ate some watermelon. I was very sick afterward. I didn't feel much better on Sunday morning, but again, I ate some solid food and lost it almost immediately. By lunch-time, I felt a bit better from having consumed about 20 oz of sports' drink. I ate a quarter of a piece of pizza, drank some water, and then I mowed the yard.

Ok, I know how crazy that sounds. The day before I was lying in a hospital bed, shaking and unable to control my breathing, numb in my face and my extremities, and now I'm mowing the yard? How does that work?

Like this. I don't give up easily. I don't quit. I don't stop. The yard was knee-high in places and it had to be taken care of. There's half an acre of it, and neither of my kids is quite up to push-mowing that much. The yard is steep in places and they don't have the tractor experience I have. So I got the riding-mower out, gassed it up, and mowed the yard. It took over four hours and my back, neck, hips, shoulders, and kidneys were killing me afterward. But I got through it.

I am saying all this because lately, life has thrown just about all the stones at me that I can take. I feel as though I'm facing a mountain that I have no chance of climbing. I lost my dad last year, was in and out of the ER and hospital with a month-long bout of kidney stones, and then was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Family members have been sick and we are all grieving my father. My best friend is struggling with deep depression and anxiety and has withdrawn completely. My Rheumatologist doesn't seem to care how I'm feel or how my disease is progressing, and now wants me to take a medication that has the potential to do more harm than good. I think if I take one more hit I might just break. But regardless of that, I got out of bed this morning, showered, and got ready for work. I pushed through a day's work in five hours and brought work home to finish here. I will be back at my post tomorrow, even if I can't finish out the day.

Because dammit, I don't quit. I won't give up. I may not beat all these issues, and I may not climb this mountain, but I will find away around it, or through it. I always have.

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